Little bottles and little tubes of things.

I have to replenish my rather copious former supply of little bottles and little tubes. That isn’t as easy as it would seem and this is because I’m not mailed samples. I don’t even know if manufacturers mail little packets of things anymore. When I moved to the Lower East Side which is apparently, not a chic zip code, all of the little things that I got while residing in a chic zip stopped. I didn’t miss that right away, but now I do.

What I miss is the possibility. I miss the possibility of re-hydrating something that needs to be re-hydrated. ( I think it's skin they're talking about, but who knows?)

For the last ten years no one has sent me a little tubey packet thing of rehydrating cream. Since I don’t actually know what to do with the product anyway it's not much of a loss. I also have not received that stuff comes with quenching possibilities, which greatly appeals to me as I’ve the idea that if I didn’t drink so much water, I wouldn’t have to get up at night. But I’m pretty sure cream doesn’t address that.

I'm relegated to taking hotel samples of stuff which is less satisfying than free mail samples. That's because there's no advertising and no promise. When you're in a hotel, the promise is that you'll help save the earth if you don't use the towels and there's an implication that you're a slob if you put them on the floor. Their little soaps and conditioner and lotion say only lotion, shampoo, conditioner. Where's the appeal in that?

Since I live in the Jewish section of Chinatown, there’s a dearth of things that I know what to do with. The Jewish stores sell dry goods and the Chinese stores sell herbal cures for whatever ails you. That, of course, is happy-making but you’re pretty much relegated to drug store chains with cosmetic bin displays if you're looking for that sort of thing.

Bunches of spas want to sell you things for $39.95 and they tell you that you need lots of these things but they don’t actually tell you what they’re for. They’re only good for chastising you about your over-grown eyebrows which you really should be plucking every single week and hot waxing minimally twice a month and this is something you already knew. I personally think spas on the les are a bit harsh about that but then you remember where you are so you have to expect to be tsk tsked. Also, a tsk or two makes me an excellent tipper so maybe that's why they do that.

I am confused about the benefits of rehydration, moisturizers, curative creams and also replenishing things. I get anti-cavity toothpaste, as I am opposed to cavities, who isn’t?

When we got all burned up, my friend Leah gave me a little suitcase chock full of little tubes of things. Everything is a brand that you and I have heard of. She gave me a pretty little jar of Absolue Premium Fix that is a “Crème Reconstituante Profonde” and a bigger jar of the same stuff and also High Resolution Refill, which is a triple action cream. I also have tubes of Collaser 5X which is soin anti-redes. I have things that regenerate, including a tube of regenerating body lotion that is, and I’m not making this up, “specially designed for the body.” I have a tube of something called “undectable” and it’s sort of a darkish skin color so I think it’s makeup, and bunches of other kinds of lotions that are differently spf rated including a sport face one that has an spf of 70. I love all these things. But since I didn’t accumulate them
myself, I don’t actually know where they should be put on my body.

Not knowing where these things go has not dissuaded me from using them. I think that I would actually be lovely if they were going on the right place and maybe they are and that I am well past the lovely possibility. I hope not.

I’m doubling down here and augmenting these things. So far I bought a bunch of Chinese Herbs that I have to boil then I think drink or maybe I’m supposed to rub them somewhere, I’ll figure it out. I also bought Vino de Carne & Hierro from a Hispanic drug store which the clerk told me about. She told me that this was a very good thing and I got that but not the rest of the pantomime. The label has a cow on it and I like cows so, of course, that has possibilities too.

I had expected living here that I would know Spanish and a little bit of Chinese. I expected to learn by osmosis but that didn't turn out. I am stuck with my verbless French and can only say thank you and happy New Year in languages that are prominent here.

Maybe someone will mail me something. Almost anything would be good. Going downstairs now to see if there's a Spanish language or Chinese language learning CD or a moisturizing thing. It’s all about possibilities, right?

Buying and returning things.

I don’t usually have buyer’s remorse and I almost never return anything and that includes things that aren’t quite right. Because I’m a big sale rounder purchaser it never surprises me when the thing isn’t quite right because usually it is or someone can use it or I’ll decide that it’s just fine.

When I need something, I’m generally good at measuring if that’s needed or eyeballing if it doesn’t have to be exact. So it is sort of amazing to me that currently I’m involved in returning things I bought on line that don’t fit the places that I bought them for.

This pretty much has to do with replacing light fixtures. After our fire, we needed bunches and I was told that we needed them right away so I went to Canal Street and that didn’t work. When I would tell a clerk what I wanted and how much stuff I needed I got really hard sells. When I said that I was just browsing, I was ignored, so I shopped on-line.

Thing is, I didn’t measure anything. I didn’t click that thing that tells you all about the thing you’re buying which I don’t generally read except when there are before and after photos of someone who lost a gazillion pounds by rubbing on a cream or eating a berry with some super-duper brand of fish oil. Tops, for those kinds of things, I’ll pay $19.95 and it has to include shipping and handling and have a good return policy. This is just in case I really believed it was going to work, saved the tube, didn’t lose the tube’s top, found a box to mail it back in and was willing to accept a coupon for something else, that until this very moment was a secret, in lieu of cash. But, since I really didn’t expect it to work, didn’t faithfully follow the directions anyway, and lost the cap, I get to tell myself that it might have worked and accept that I’m an idiot. That’s okay.

Returning lighting fixtures is a whole other story because first you have to click a box that tells why you don’t want it, then you have to wait for an authorized return label that comes with very specific instructions about how to ship the thing back and then you have to wait for credit.
The instructions tell you that the fixture can’t be shipped in its original box and that the company’s authorized return number must be marked on the outside of the package. So, you have to go somewhere, buy a box, $7.99, thank you very much, and then argue with the FedEx guy about whether you can sharpie a number on the box’s outside, which they advise you not to do but let you do it anyway.

I think that FedEx doesn’t like extra numbers on their packages because they have all these codes and your numbers might match theirs and your package might go to some place that is wrong. I don’t know this for sure, and when they lost my package I didn’t tell them that I had insisted on writing numbers on the box, but I would have if they asked me.

Normally, in a situation like this, I’m pretty ready to fess up. But since I was already apologizing for losing the airway bill, didn’t remember the date that I sent it, had no idea if it was sent air or ground, it seemed like I was giving them enough trouble. I sorta liked that they weren’t accusing me of anything and being incredibly helpful. They couldn’t find my package right away, but said that they would call me back the next day with information and they did. They found it; I wrote down a bunch of numbers, e-mailed the company who just confirmed that they received the package and were waiting for authorization to credit me. Sounds like progress, no?

At the moment, I have three more things to return and I plan for it to go smoother. I bought a roll of contractor paper, lots of tape and some twine. I have a return label. I just have to decide if these fixtures would make awesome presents. It’s that thing. Maybe somebody can use these.

When you owe

If you’re very lucky you will owe gratitude. I’m that person. I have been the beneficiary of things I can never repay and I don’t even want to repay those things, I want to owe.

Such a funny way to look at it. Here it is April, spring, rebirth, and I’m beginning the season with a deficit and I like that a lot. Our fire is done and we’re home.

We’re digesting all of the things that people told us and unless you’ve been pregnant in NY where complete strangers tell you the most astonishing things (particularly if you frequent deli counters) you’ll have to have your own fire to get this. Since I don’t want that to happen to you and because you might be interested, I’ll tell you what to expect.

First, you’re going to deal with the wonderful people. The fire guys who came to save you, the ambulance guy whose job it is to stick things into you so that you’re ready for the next step if the doctor guys want to do more things to you. Also, the doctor guys answer questions and tell you astounding things. Also neighbor people who give you cell phones, call your family and give you shoes and clothes and very good brands of personal toiletries which you realize are above what you buy and you get resolve about that. You resolve to buy better brands so that if you need to give them to someone they’re nice.

The fire guys are real professional. While the young guys run up the stairs, the older guys make you focus so that you can tell where the fire is, if there’s an open window, if you closed a door and things like that. The ambulance guys are good too although they’re busy with you and I have the idea that they’re trained not to answer any questions unless it’s about where you’re going. I think they’re not allowed to give you any water and if you ask for some they will tell you that and if you persist they’ll tell you they don’t have any.

When you meet the doctors and ask for water they will tell you that you can’t have any because your throat might swell up and then you’ll cough the water into your lungs and then you’ll drown. That’s what I mean about astounding things. You have to question a statement like this. You have to say, “how about I just swish it around in my mouth and promise to spit it out, then can I have some water?” And they tell you no. They say you might just swallow some.

Even when you say you wouldn’t swallow even a tiny bit and explain how you have gargling down and what they say really is astounding, especially the part about drowning, they have to think it over.

You have to let them know that you know that they’re really smart and it’s good that they’re in charge and you believe in them and everything and you don’t want to be a pain. Also, you happen to know that they’re not going to let you drown and then I think they realize that that’s true. After all of that, they’ll give you some water and you’re grateful.

I heard some other astounding things. One of the most amazing began with, “psssssst…your apartment burned up, right?” And when you nod agreement the next sentence is: “I got a Faberge Egg and a mink coat; it’s all documented. If you want to put in for it, something for you, something for me.” That cracked me up. I like to think that she is the lost princess Anastasia who wasn’t slaughtered in the Russian revolution.

I can’t recall all of the astounding things I’ve been told, but I’m going to start a list. I’ll need a list too about all the things I’m grateful for. Mostly it boils down to being alive, in a great place with good people and hopefully an ex-Princess. That would be best.

Terrible Towels and Wonderful People

I’ve never been on any kind of sports team so the things I think and the kinds of emotions that players and real fans have are things I imagine. I’ve never been the “thrill of victory the agony of defeat” kind of person and am not any team’s avid fan although I like championship contests. I always choose a side to root for. Generally, I root for New York teams and if they’re not in some playoff thing that you can’t avoid knowing about, I root for what appeals to me which are different things at different times. Also, I’m not a loyal fan and can change loyalties in the middle of any match.

I rooted for Pittsburgh during the Superbowl because I read a story about a nurse who was such an avid Steelers fan she was” tying terrible towels” on IV poles in the hospital she worked in to make everyone feel good. Before that I had never heard about heard about a “terrible towel”. When I heard about terrible towels I really liked the idea. Then, I found out that the opposing team’s thing was to wear a hat shaped like a wedge of cheese and be known as a cheesehead and since I could see myself waving a towel and could never ever see me wearing a wedge on my head, my choice was made for me.

My daughter is surprised about this because she knows that I frequent stores that sell over the top stupid things which I tend to buy for each season and holiday. A frequent purchase is some kind of hat and the ones that need batteries and light up and play a tune tend to appeal to me. But I don’t wear them. I have lots of things that make me happy that I don’t wear and at some point I will replenish them. But, I digress.
Since we got all burned up, I’ve sorta started thinking about my neighbors as “terrible towel” people. This isn’t supposed to be derogatory or anything it’s just a way to categorize people and everything I once believed about this being an awful thing to do isn’t so much and this has come in very handy on the Lower East Side.

This sounds awful but it’s kind of nice. Here, there’s an edge, The “Terrible Towel” people are strong and kind and funny and generous.
My next door neighbors gave me their apartment while they vacation. This is unbelievable. They are “terrible towel” people. I think they are fierce in their goodness. I’ve lived next door to them for almost nine years. I always liked them but now I love them.

One of the best things about living in their home is to meet them in a way that’s different than it used to be. They have pictures of all of the people they love all over the place and they’re a nice looking brood. I can figure out who lots of them are because I’ve heard of visits, have a couple of times seen them here to visit or seen my neighbors laden down with things and they tell me where they’re going.

They say, “we’re bringing this to my daughter’s for Pesche” and they talk about what a great baker she is and how she baked a gazillion things for the holiday. They say, “We’re going to a birthday party,” and sometimes tell things that are worrisome, like, “we’re going to visit our grandson in the hospital” then you hope everything’s really okay .You have an idea of who everyone is in all of the pictures, but there are old ones from a long time ago. Living here, in a community with a significant Jewish presence makes you hope there’s not some sad story to go with their photo even though you know there is.

There’s bunches of stuff like that. I knew my friend was crafty. She’s always knitting beautiful infant hats that she donates somewhere. But in her home, anywhere you go, anywhere you look, there’s something that she did. Lots of stained glass pieces (and I have come to really like the one with yellow lilies in the living room window) and some very good oil paintings that she did. I did not know my neighbor was a talented artist.

My friend’s husband is a really nice guy. If you live in his home you see hundreds of sterling silver thank yous. They’re from every philanthropic organization there is and I feel great reading the inscriptions on these trophies because they should be read even though it’s probably nosey.

There’s a framed picture here of, I think, my neighbor’s father, in front of an ambulance parked in a desert and the cab’s door it says: “Presented to the People of Israel in memory of the Victims of Neustadt.”

I’m telling these things because I want people to know about wonderful people. It’s wonderful to live in the shadow of greatness.
I don’t know how to be great. I don’t know how to be generous in a way that puts little cardboard cylinders designated for housing, clothing and shelter everywhere you’d empty your pockets of change.
I’m learning. I’m telling. I hope that the three months I’ve lived here make me a better person and barring that, a more thoughtful, generous one.

Every day, when I wake up I say hello to my neighbor's kin. I hope they’re all Steelers fans and if they aren’t I will change sides.
I live in a place where there’s a quiet goodness. That’s the thrill of victory.

Here's a video of our fire

It took me a long time to figure out how to do this and it's not even a hard thing to do. But, here it is. I have photos of what our home looked liked after this happened and if I can figure out how to show them, I'll post them too. Soon.

A fire is very, very annoying

I’m trying to discipline myself to write every single day and that is one of the reasons I started this blog.  I hope it’s not annoying you because it doesn’t annoy me.  That’s not saying much because it’s pretty hard to annoy me.   Most things really don’t bother me except for the fact that I’m fat and I wish I weren’t and my son’s wedding is coming up and I really don’t want to be fat for that. But I’m not doing anything about it after, around noon.  (Before  noon and sometimes up to around 8 o’clock I’m doing something about that and then I’m not).

That’s partly why this fire thing is so annoying. It would seem you have to be disciplined about it and you have to be disciplined in a very annoying way because you have to do  everything 5 times.  Annoying  seems a funny way to describe a fire but it’s more annoying than most things you could imagine. 

 There are things that are sad, there are things that are debilitating, there’s loss, sorrow, lots of things.  Most things that are annoying are short-lived. A fire and its aftermath go on, and on and on.  Every single day there’s some new  thing, or the thing that was annoying yesterday that will undoubtedly consume time today.

 It's not like some thing you did to yourself.  You know, the kinds of thing you notice over and over again.  And, I’m the one here that does things over and over again. ( That is why, for example, I try to buy toothpaste with the little hinged top although sometimes I forget that it is 100% sure that if the toothpaste tube’s top isn’t hinged, the cap will be gone before the bottom’s rolled up and also I will squeeze it in the middle.)  

A fire annoys in a different all-consuming way.  There are all kinds of things you’re going to have to do that involve pushing buttons on the phone and holding on.  I once had so much time holding on the phone that I googled: "customer service bypass buttons" or some term like that.  There are all these free and pay for  secret customer service phone codes available for virtually every company.  The ads say that you can have three  secret codes for free and for only $4.99, plus shipping and handling, they'll sell you a book with everybody's secret codes and you will never ever have to hold on any phone anywhere ever again and you will always get through to a through to a human being. For an extra $19.95 you can buy the bypass codes for all radio call in shows and they will upgrade your subscription free, for one full year, when the codes are changed.  Three things about this: (a) the free codes don't work, (b)human beings aren’t actually any more helpful than machines and also they’ll disconnect you if they feel like it and (c) I think it explains why I once heard my mother on the Lynn Samuels show and also the radio call in demographic.

Everybody’s been through phone holding on, but usually only once a month or so.  With a fire it’s an all-day/every day and I keep taking breaks and going for walks. This would be a good thing to do if I could actually motivate myself to stay on task, at least in our time zone, when I'm finished walking. I know that it's no use doing anything before 9 or after 5:30.   Those places that say they’ve 24 hour customer service…that’s an absolute lie. They only service if you’ve memorized every single digit in an account you may or may not use.  Also, the account’s password -protected and it’s some goofy password that’s really long that they gave you, and it’s your own damn fault that you didn’t change it when they said you could.  Also, your answer to the secret question that you answered in case you needed it (presumably for something like a fire) doesn’t match and then, well, you know; see (b) paragraph above. 

Anyway, today I was going to write about the burn unit, but then I decided that I would post the you tube video and also some pictures.  But, I couldn’t do that. I can’t figure it out.  I keep being told to “refresh” which sounds like some feminine hygiene commerciaL and is vaguely insulting.  Not as omnious though as the little box that pops up and tells me I’m infected or the other little box that tells me that I committed a fatal error.

And I say, “ha”…I survived a fire.  I’m going to write about you in  a blog and tomorrow, first thing, after I begin my daily diet, I’m getting on the phone with customer service and I'm telling on you, and I’ll annoy them, at least until they hang up on me.

Riding in an ambulance is not as much fun as one would think

Before we got caught in a fire in our home, I had never been in an ambulance.  I don’t know if I ever thought about what it’d be like to be in one but I must have sometime because everything about being in one wasn’t like I thought it’d be.

I was asked a couple of questions and the EMT introduced himself.  He was very cordial and when he asked, I gave my name and address, age, contact numbers and some other things. I wasn’t asked for my social security number so that was good.  I was asked my weight and I said, “oh, come on” and the EMT guy said it was okay if I didn’t give it and chatted a little bit about how he was going to put a blood pressure cuff on me and I explained that I was naked under my coat and he gave me a blanket and he did stuff.

I don’t know about you, but when I hear an ambulance, mostly I think that someone’s fooling around with the siren so that they don’t have to be in traffic and I think I might do that sometimes too if I had a siren and an ambulance.  But I make sure that I’m out of the way and I do that on the chance that there’s someone who needs help and I always hope everyone’s okay.    Also, I always think that the person’s lying down on a stretcher gasping for breath and waiting to exit.  But, it wasn’t like that at all.

First of all, it wasn’t luxurious.  And it’s not like one expects luxury but it was a stripped down van decked out with an impressive array of scary looking equipment in easy reach.  It was a pretty bumpy ride and disappointedly I couldn’t hear the siren and I wasn’t aware that we were going through red lights and I would have liked to have been. I did think though that better shock absorbers were needed but that’s probably because I tend to take care of the cars in the family and I’ve been sold them many times.

Then the guy and I talked.  He told me he was going to give me an iv and that was okay.  Then he asked me what I did and I said that I was a dilettante and also I had found out that I was highly unskilled.  He told me that he had been unemployed for a long time and that he was really glad to get this gig and we talked a bit about how hard it was to find a job and I told him I was glad that he found one and he said he was too.

Then he told me that we were going to Weil Cornell and he asked me if I had ever been there before. An I told him that I had my son there and was sort of holding a grudge against them because when that happened the nurses were going on strike and the Shah of Iran was there for cancer treatments and there were all these armed guys all over the place and there were all these demonstrators.  I said that I knew that I wasn’t being fair about that and also my son is 30 so it was a really long grudge for a really long time.  But it probably didn’t matter as I haven’t had much hospital business to pass to them anyway.

Then he said that he knew for sure that there weren’t any demonstrations or armed guards at the hospital and I said that I was happy to know that even though I already did.

I told him that my husband wouldn't be able to hear questions if people were asking him things so he took down information about Terry too.  First he didn't want to but when I told him that I was married to the guy for more than 35 years he was good about it.

I really wanted a drink of water but the EMT guy said he didn’t have any and also he wasn’t allowed to give me any and I asked him why and he said that he didn’t know.  And when I found out why they don’t let you have any water I pretty much figured that he lied to me and that turned out to be a good thing which I’ll tell you about when I post again.